You Don't Have to Love Your Body to Be Worthy of Love
Body image, body positivity, body neutrality, and learning to live in a body you don't always feel at home in
This content mentions body image and eating disorders, which some people may find triggering.
What if you don't love your body? What if you sometimes look in the mirror and criticise what you see? What if you avoid photographs, certain clothes, swimming pools, or intimacy because you don't feel comfortable being seen? And what if you've been told that the answer is simply to become more "body positive" and learn to love yourself?
For some people, body positivity can be liberating. For others, it can feel like another expectation to fail at because if you already struggle with your body image, being told that you should love your body can become another form of pressure.
What if the goal isn't to love your body every day? What if the goal is to stop believing that your body determines your worth?
You don't have to love every part of yourself to deserve love. You don't have to wait until your body changes before you start living your life.
What is body image?
Body image is the way we think and feel about our bodies, including how satisfied we are with our appearance and how much importance we place on other people's opinions about how we look. It isn't simply about weight. Body image can be affected by relationships, culture, social media, appearance ideals, ageing, pregnancy, illness, sexuality, and many other experiences. The Mental Health Foundation reports that body dissatisfaction in adults is associated with psychological distress, depressive symptoms, and disordered eating, and can also affect relationships and sexual wellbeing. This helps explain why body image can become about much more than what you see when looking in a mirror.
You might be thinking about your appearance while you're having dinner with friends, going swimming, buying clothes or being intimate with someone. Instead of simply living in your body, you can begin constantly monitoring it. You may find yourself having thoughts like: "Does my stomach look big in this?", "What will they think?", "Do I look attractive?", "Should I lose weight before I do this?".
Your body can start to feel like a problem that needs solving.
Why do we become unhappy with our bodies?
We receive messages about what bodies are supposedly attractive, healthy, desirable, or acceptable starting in childhood. We compare ourselves with other people and can internalise particular appearance ideals throughout our lives. The Mental Health Foundation highlights the role of social media, advertising, relationships, and cultural expectations in shaping body image. Exposure to idealised bodies can encourage appearance-based comparison and dissatisfaction. But body standards can also be enforced through personal relationships with those we admire or respect. A passing comment from a teacher or a conversation with a doctor can stick with us and having lasting consequences throughout our lives. I remember a moment where, in front of my closest friends, the headmaster of my school held my jeans up and remarked at how large they were. I was 11, and I still think about it to this day, but I’m sure she would have no memory of the interaction.
Psychological theories such as self-objectification theory also help explain why body image can become so consuming. Instead of experiencing your body primarily from the inside, you may begin to view yourself from an imagined outside perspective, continually monitoring how you look to other people. This can take you away from the experience you're actually having. You aren't swimming anymore, you're thinking about your stomach. You aren't having sex anymore, you're worrying about what your body looks like. You aren't enjoying a photograph, you're checking whether you look thinner.
That is a lot of mental energy.
Do you have to love your body?
No.
A healthier relationship with your body doesn't necessarily mean feeling beautiful every day. It might mean being able to think: “I don't particularly like how my body looks today, but I'm not going to spend the whole day punishing myself for it.” Or: “I wish my body looked different, but I can still go swimming.” Or: “I don't feel attractive today, but I am still worthy of affection and intimacy.”
This is one reason body neutrality can be helpful.
Rather than asking, "How can I make myself love my body?", body neutrality can ask: "Can I learn to live in my body without constantly judging it?" Your body doesn't have to be beautiful for you to respect it. It doesn't have to be perfect for you to care for it. And it doesn't have to be your favourite thing about yourself.
What about body positivity?
Body positivity has challenged the idea that only certain bodies are beautiful or acceptable, and that is important. But "love your body" can sometimes feel like a disingenuous demand. If you are struggling with body image, telling yourself "I love my body" when you don't believe it may simply leave you feeling that you're failing at body positivity as well. You don't necessarily have to replace a negative thought with an extremely positive one. You can make it more compassionate and realistic. Instead of: "My body is disgusting." You might begin with: "I'm having a really critical thought about my body today." The thought is still there, but you are no longer automatically treating it as a fact.
Research supports the potential importance of a kinder approach. A systematic review and meta-analysis of 59 studies found that greater self-compassion was associated with fewer body-image concerns and greater positive body image, while self-compassion interventions also showed benefits for body-image and eating concerns.
What about fatphobia and weight stigma?
We also need to talk about the wider culture around bodies and body image. It isn't enough to tell someone to "love themselves" while ignoring the fact that people can experience judgement, stereotyping and discrimination because of their weight. Weight stigma can come from other people, workplaces, healthcare environments, relationships, media, and wider cultural attitudes. It can also become internalised.
You might find yourself thinking: "Nobody will find me attractive at this size.", "I shouldn't wear that.", "I don't deserve to feel confident until I've lost weight.", or "I'll be happier when I'm thinner."
Research suggests that weight stigma is more than an unpleasant experience that people can be expected to ignore. A meta-analysis of 105 studies involving more than 59,000 participants found a significant association between weight stigma and poorer mental health. Another systematic review and meta-analysis found associations between weight-related self-stigma, perceived stigma and psychological distress, including depression and anxiety. Recognising weight stigma doesn't mean that health conversations aren't important. It means separating health, appearance, and worth. You never are able to tell a person’s health by looking at them or their body. Skinny people can be unhealthy or healthy, and fat people likewise can be healthy or unhealthy. People are valuable regardless of their health.
Your body size is not a measure of your value as a person.
Are you waiting to lose weight before you start living?
One of the most painful things body-image difficulties can do is put life on hold. You might say: "I'll buy nice clothes when I've lost weight.", "I'll start dating when I feel more attractive.", "I'll have photographs taken when I look better.", "I'll have sex when I'm more confident.", or "I'll enjoy my holiday when I've lost weight." But what happens if your body changes and the goalpost simply moves?
Bodies change throughout our lives. Ageing, illness, pregnancy, menopause, and many other experiences can change how we look and feel. The Mental Health Foundation recognises these life changes as important influences on body image. If your life is always waiting for your body to become acceptable, you may spend years waiting for a day that may never arrive.
Perhaps the goal isn't to become completely confident before you participate in life, perhaps it's to begin participating while you're still learning to feel comfortable in your body.
You are worthy of love before your body changes
You don't have to be thin to be loved. You don't have to be conventionally attractive. You don't have to look good in photographs. You don't have to feel sexy every day. You don't have to have the "right" body before you deserve intimacy, relationships, friendship, or pleasure. Your body is one part of you. It isn't the entirety of you. And you don't have to earn your worth by changing it.
How can counselling help with body image?
Body image counselling can be about understanding why your appearance has become so closely connected to your sense of worth and exploring the beliefs, experiences and emotions underneath it.
Counselling might explore:
negative body image and self-esteem
shame and self-criticism
weight stigma and internalised fatphobia
comparison and social media
perfectionism
relationships, sex, and intimacy
feeling uncomfortable being seen
body changes through ageing or life events
avoiding situations because of how you feel about your body
body dysmorphia related to gender identity
If body-image concerns are significantly affecting your everyday life, relationships or mental health, professional support can be helpful. The NHS also provides information about body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), a condition involving intense preoccupation with perceived flaws in appearance.
Body image speaking and workshops
Body image is more than an individual issue. The messages we receive about bodies are shaped by workplaces, education, healthcare, media, social media, and wider culture.
I offer speaking and workshops around body image, bringing psychological ideas into accessible conversations about body confidence, self-worth, weight stigma, and the pressures surrounding appearance for schools, organisations, and workplaces.
You don't have to love your body
Maybe your goal isn't to be able to say and mean: "I love my body." Maybe it's to say : "I don't want to spend so much of my life worrying about my body." Or: "I want to wear the clothes I like.", "I want to stop avoiding photographs.", "I want to feel comfortable being intimate.", "I want to stop believing I have to lose weight before I deserve a life." Those are worthwhile goals.
You don't have to love your body every day. You can learn to live in it, care for it, let it change, let it take up space, and, perhaps most importantly, stop making your body the price of admission to your own life.
Because you don't have to love your body to be worthy of love. You already are.
Ready to Explore This in a Supportive, Confidential Space?
At Walled Garden Counselling, I offer Body Image counselling for adults who are working through body shame, appearance pressure, queer body image, fatphobia, ageing, confidence, or disconnection. This work is about changing the relationship to the body. Particularly in environments where achievement and appearance have become tightly bound.
If you would like a thoughtful, confidential space to explore these questions at your own pace, you are welcome to book a free consultation.